shellyb47's Cancer Blog
May 17, 2008
| It does not get better then this | Views: 157 |
I am amazed at the ulgy face of stress. Up until a few months ago, I had no stress. It tooks years but I learned how to live a stress free and laughter filled life. It is a wonderful lifestyle; and it is without a doubt, a choice. My children were learning, more about me & my life philosophies each & everyday. Our days were good days. I believe us to be very close and sincere with each other. But then… they are teens & I am or can be niave at times. My children are 16,15 and 11. Since my divorce 4 years ago, we have gone from borrowing money for food to being completely debt free and able to buy a house. I could not have made it this far in 4 years without their support and willingness to learn how to cook dinner, wash their clothes and do homework without supervision. With effort for the first time in a very long time we became “happy”.
Now enter cancer. Its wicked wicked deliberate vile uninvited double confirmed existance has changed everything.
How does this happen? It has created pure anarchy. MY days have evolved to a daily battle of mind “or” matter (tumor).I will stay mentally and emotionally and spiritually positive and I will win the battle over the darkness that is trying to grow within. This darkness is a demon that can be felt but not seen. Thats it! Cancer is unseen and it must remain unseen because I will fight back with my unseen self, my inner self. I belive in God and Miracles and the power of prayer. All of which are unseen. All of whick including the darkness is truely felt. Believe me I feel this tumor I feel its growth, I feel it pinching on my nerve in my right arm, I feel the swelling in my elbow and the stiffnes of my joints on the rt side. My breast is becoming progressively harder and harder. And the pain in my shoulder causes me to sit straighter then ever. I am exhausted and feel for lack of a better word…I feel gray. I contiune to work. I love my 2 clients and I admire them and their families for having learned to continue their fight each and every day. One client is 11 the other is 27. I would not wish their struggle on anyone. I am reminded each day there are worse things then cancer.
The good thing? The door that opened? The blessing in disguise? How can all of this be seen as a positive? Just like I had to teach myself how to love and trust again, I have had to teach myself to grieve. I have not been vey good at that. I have always grieved silently,I am open and forth coing with who I am what I believe but when it comes to the really painfull stuff. I am master of hidden emotions. I can cry my most painful moments silently and without exterior evidence of remorse. I am afterall a nurse. I have learned to hold the hands of those who are dying. I have seen the unseeeable. I have been the strength for others who had no strength left. My profession taught me how to decieve myself. Only another nurse or care provider will understand what I mean by that. I learned at a very early age, hide your emotions and help the other person first and foremost.
Until now I had no idea I had sooo many of my own tears.
I also had no idea I have the core strength that is evident I am my mothers child. She is a cancer survivor & divorced mother of 5. Having discovered my core I now reach inward each and everyday & I always pull out new & refreshed hope. I had no idea how strong I really am. Surgery is this thursday. ewww, is about all I can say to myself. Ewww. I wanted it done off and over. I cannot get over something until I go thru it.
The other good thing. I got the strength to ask for help. Here’s the cool part. MY former inlaws are now helping with the kids. They will share and do things with them. We have not spoken in over 5 years. And now… my kids are with them right now. That is so cool They do not live here, but they will spend the summer closer more upstate and the kids can visit them as often as they like or as I need. How cool is that? I can now relax knowing the kids will not have to witness my flat chested, bald and nauseating summer of 2008. They can play and they will have others to lean on. This is my miracle.
Oh oh another miracle?... yes there is another. I am going to Alaska for 10days after my mastectomy. I will heal on a cruise ship. This is not something I could ever be able to afford. But oh how lucky to know and love a wonderful generous kind man who says “you wanna go and if you go you wont be pitiful, because you canot go if you are pitiful?”
He did not use the word pitiful he just made a squinty facial expression. Knowing me was that was the safest way to go. I sat very still and said yes I really want to go. I am a good nurse. On the inside I was riding the wind.
An opportunity to ignore the pain and mental misery while looking at the most amazing part of this great country is a miracle. That is what dreams are made of. I will return with vidoes to set to music and I will watch these vidoes while I my mediport sucks in the chemo, my hair falls out and I relearn how to pad my bra. It does not get better then that.
Peace and strength today and always.
It does not get better then this, 
6 comments)
06.22.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
Cruise ship, padded bra and no hair…man chicks get all the cool stuff.
All I got was a day off work because I over medicated…like I haven’t done that before, chuckle.
Your posts are a hoot, great attitude cancer blows, so put up a sail and ride it.
Nothing but good thoughts to you, prayers and such.
Mac
Well Mac, you are a bit of a hoot yourself, and thank you for talking to me. You know the kind of attention I am going to get on vacation with my pallor,lack of demension and lack luster appearance.I wonder if I can save some money and buy a swim suit with only 1 cup. LOL.
I have to laugh and tease myself. I have to. For me sadness and anger are capable of cancerous behavior.(multipling and creating darkness of spirit and heart) Humor is contagous but not many catch my humor or irony. I need to vent and talk, this blog allows me to talk mostly to myself and to others I dont even know. No one in my life knows about this site. It is something I am doing for myself. It is my journal. My surgery is only 3 days a way. My bones ache, my arm hurts and I am very very tired. I really dont care about that. How I feel is not nearly as important as how I think. I went to a garden center and simply sat. I enjoyed so much floral beauty and then I came home to my yard. My yard has… pine trees.
Pine trees. Yes this week is going to feel like a pine tree.
Peace.
Walking around Chicago, last summer I found the “cancer survivors walk” it is a garden/park area dedicated to survivors. There are about a dozen plaques as you walk along, and each on has a sentence or two about survivorship. I could have sat there for days, soaking up all the encouragement I felt.
If I calculate right, your surgery should be Wednesday? I will keep you in prayer as well as your doctors and nurses. Take your bikini to the hospital and ask them to hang it up in your room, just so you remember not to be pitiful and that you have a life to get back to.
God bless kid.
Mac
Shelly,Mac,
With you two on our team, we will get support and love and some Laughter. Love ya Both.
Hi Shelly,
I am also newly diagnosed, I’ve already had my surgery and sounds like we are both triple negatives, not that it’s a club we want to be in.
I have faith that we will both do fine, I am praying for both of us.
Blessings.
Shelly,
I just read your blogs. I too am a nurse and you and I seem to write long blogs. I identify with so much of your personal expression. You communicate it very well. You should be post-op by now. So please let us know how you are doing. In many ways I envy you. I so often wish I had something that could be cut away. I pray you are doing well. Let us know. We all care. And I agree. Our children are the hardest part. With gentle hugs, Gaile