shellyb47's Cancer Blog
May 14, 2008
| first time for surgery | Views: 167 |
OK so this is my last week with 2 breast and perhaps pain free and with energy. What does one do with their last week of health freedom? The last week of being able to deny the cancer exists. There is no pain, no scar and there are still 2 breasts. Tomorrow I clean the garage of a good friend. What else is there to do? I am simply at a loss for thoughts and even greater loss for decisions. I have mentally exhausted each and every negative outcome.I believe I wqill get thru this, so many have come before me. I believe I will be able to tease myself when I look in the mirror and tolerate and accept the physical morphing that will transpire with surgery, reconstruction and alas chemotherapy. I also know myself well enough to know I will be crying intensly on the inside. I have never been good at showing my truest pains or expressing my deepest disappointments. I am a people pleaser. Others come first. I want this over and done with so I can started on rebuilding my life again.I have rebuilt my life and self so many times. ALthough life has been easy it has not always been nice to me. I know I am not the same since my diagnosis and I will not be the same when the chemo is over.I accept that I am vulnerable,human,mortal. I will always be tender and to trusting. I will awlys love with the deepest and best of intentions. I will always think the best of those near me. So in a way its reassuring to know I will still be me, just a different me.Could my kids love me any more then they already do? I doubt it, but maybe they will wash the dishes when I ask.
I will always see the world as beautiful and people as good and cancer as an evilness that brings about personal change in the most evil of ways.
I simply have come to uderstand, I dont have the power to change what is happening inside my body. How can I explain to anyone how I “think or feel” knowing I have “a” cancer growing somewhere in my body. They “suppose” it came from my breast. SO now I am having “it” cut off.I think in colors, my moods come in colors. I dont know if that is odd or veyr different from other people. When I think of myself I think of yellows, and white and pastel colors. Its different from my favorite color, is is simply how I would paint myself I would use yellow and white and maybe pink. Now pink means cancer to me so probably not pink. Now when I think about myself and superimpose colors of my inner self in paint I see a grayness,a blackness and darkness that I have mever had before and this makes me cry a cry that is so deep and so painful I cannot explain or share with anyone. TO understand I cannot make the blackness go away by myself, I cannot change the color by myself, I cannot make this better through anypther means wracks my body with sadness. IT is black,it is growing, it is evil. I have to force myself to inderstand this color is not “me” it is not who I am. It is an evilness that must be conquered. People who are family and friends tell me they know I am a strong person, they know I can make it through this… I think “how do they know, when I dont, how can they see me as strong when I feel so weak?” When this is all over I think I will burn all the black colored clothing and items I own. I think I will smile a smile of life.I look forward to that smile. And that smile will belong to me, it will be because I will win, I will conquer this and I will not hurt anyone in the process. The only looser in this war will be the dark spot.
How can one think or feel anything more then ‘wow’ this is going to be rough and am I am going to be strong enough. It is about me now, and all I want to do is listen to others talk about thei day, their aches their plans. MY plans are simple. Work till surgery, recover go back to work Start chemo and work as long as I can. Go bald, get fat with chemo,nap and walk when I can and start life all over in December at 48 years old . And yes I will also “grow some new boobs”.
Ok to answer my son who is 10 “how come you are going to get sicker if they are cutting off what is making you sick?” That was sweet and endearing. I could only respond with sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. My greatest pain comes from thinking my children will see me suffer. I cry each and every time I think about their little hearts hurting so much.
06.22.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
Wonderful post! You have a great attitude and I am praying for your complete healing, physical and emotional.
Be honest with the kids, that was my kids biggest gripe, I did not level with them right away.
Cancer is perfect for getting you over any ideas for waiting to do things or say things. Cancer makes you take ownership of every day you survive. Before my cancer I lived as if I would go on forever, I had little respect for my days. Now I can see my days and those who fill them for what they are, precious.
Hug the babies, kick cancer square in the ass and get busy living!
Prayers and love
Mac